PS to “A cyberspace conversation with a conductive parent”

"North Norfolk undulations"  
by Susie Mallett September 2011

Just my part of a conversation as a conductor-carer

You know, when I was a carer and someone asked "And how are you?", there was a feeling inside me that I cannot describe. A dilemma, not knowing what to say.

As a carer I never felt it all right just to go off, although my client’s family helped out and I was able to carry out my work in families, occasionally working away from home for a week at a time.

While away I was always sort of worried and felt responsible, and could never completely concentrate one-hundred percent on my work, or on myself.

I never thought about myself first and what I wanted to do, even when I knew that everything was all right at home. I suppose that I felt guilty.

Not thinking about my own needs did not often matter to me, I thought that it was often better to have to think about someone else, but in fact it really was a relief when someone asked “How are you?”, thus allowing me not always to feel smiley and even occasionally to tell someone the truth that I was not managing too well that day if this was indeed the case.

The only person who ever asked me this question was my partner’s mother, I suppose that she knew. Most other people gave me the feeling, as mentioned in A cyberspace conversation with a conductive parent that it is just not done to get overwhelmed by it all and to wish for even five minutes alone:

http://www.susie-mallett.com/2011/09/cyberspace-conversation-with-conductive.html

This was when I got into the habit of using the nights to feel by myself, to be uninterrupted with my own thoughts and to do something like painting or writing, something just for me. And sometimes the lady who knew invited my client out for the day so that I had the house all to myself for hours!